Minnies - a happy home

Got a touch of the mad minnies?

Violet and Rose welcome you home

The Minnies is a generic term which covers an infinite group of conditions. Afflictions within the Minnies grouping are more properly defined by inserting an adjective between the two words of the simple term thus: "the [adjective] Minnies". Such compound terms are invariably prefixed by the words "a touch of". An example of both may be found above. There is no cure.

There is no known drug-based treatment for the Minnies and attempts at psychiatric or psychological interventions have proved futile inasmuch as it takes longer to get the appointment than an occurrence of the condition usually lasts and any treatment does not prevent recurrence. The specific condition mentioned above (the Mad Minnies) is one which affects all women from time to time and generally passes either without incident or without an incident serious enough to involve the authorities or a prison term. While this may well be the most frequently occurring form, the more widely recognisable and more profound form is perhaps "the Screaming Minnies". It has never been possible to describe this condition using mere words but you will recognise it when you see her having a touch of it. Trust me on that. You will know.

It is perhaps best not to mention the Moaning Minnies at all here (where 'moaning' is synonymous with 'complaining' rather than an expression of pleasure, pain or, for those thus inclined, both) so no more will be written on the topic other than to acknowledge that we all get a touch of it from time to time.

Some observers have claimed that a woman is most likely to get a touch of the Minnies on day twenty-one of her cycle. Those opposed to this point of view are happy to explain that were such an idea viable, the condition would not affect post-menopausal women at all but it does. They further state that it can happen to any female, at any age, on any day, seemingly at random. The present writer has observed her own niece getting an occasional touch of the Minnies long before that girl reached puberty so did not even possess a cycle. She did own a rather neat, pink scooter but one seriously doubts that was causal.

It has been pointed out that no reference was made, in the original edition of this article, to that group of afflictions which may be described as the Seasonal Minnies. Of these, perhaps the most troubling condition occurs in September each year (in Scotland) and is known as Legbert-induced Minnies. The date is important because it is in September that the larger and more repulsive (male) Legberts are driven to enter one's home in search of the smaller and often well tolerated females. The larger and more robust the intruder, the more likely the occupants are to suffer a touch of the aforementioned Minnies. Again, there is no cure but prevention is possible. Maintaining a clean home reduces female Legbert occupancy levels while peppermint oil may help dissuade the megabeasts from entering the home. Legbert traps are available if capture-and-eject scenarios are just too horrific to contemplate.

You are not alone


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